A Tale of Two Moms

When Maplewood hosts the LGBT Pride Picnic this Saturday, June 25 (2-6 p.m. on “the Hill” at Memorial Park), we will have two moms to thank. 

C.J. Prince and Mary Alice Carr are not two moms in the “Heather Has Two Mommies” sense, but two friends who came up with the idea of organizing Maplewood’s first-ever pride event. 

Five years ago, after the birth of their daughters, C.J. and Mary Alice bonded over the similarities of their lives: they were both adjusting to the suburbs, they both faced the insanity of parenting with a sense of irreverence and humor, and they both enjoyed a well-deserved cocktail at the 5 p.m. happy hour. 

Their lives looked strangely alike except for one thing: CJ is gay and Mary Alice is straight.

“As a progressive, I always cared about [gay issues] on a policy level…but I didn’t have any close gay friends until I moved to Maplewood…. Yet, the closer I became to my friends, the more acutely aware I became of how certain policies and laws discriminated against them. To see people you care about struggling with those things changes everything,” said Mary Alice.

Mary Alice and C.J. saw Maplewood Pride as not only an opportunity to include their children in a celebration that didn’t involve a trek to NYC Pride but also as a chance to bring Maplewood’s LGBT and straight community together. 

“We do have so many straight allies here in Maplewood,” notes CJ.  “But so many straight people aren’t sure how to show their support. Here we can all come together to create a community that is a welcoming and accepting place for all of us – grown-ups and children.”

The LGBT movement needs straight allies for lasting change to occur. Mary Alice notes, “While LGBT people can certainly fight their battles on their own, they shouldn’t have to.” Straight voices can often carry a weight that LGBT voices cannot, particularly in environments that are restrictive or hostile to LGBT people. Further, when straight people speak up, they speak from a particular perspective, a particular value system that says discrimination and inequality affect everyone.

So in honor of pride, for those of you straight people out there who want to help but aren’t sure how to, here are TEN TIPS ON HOW TO BE A STRAIGHT ALLY RIGHT HERE IN NJ:

10. Know that you are welcomed and wanted in this movement.  Sometimes straight people feel awkward about being involved in the fight for LGBT equality, feeling it’s not their issue. Please know that we need you. And inequality is everyone’s issue. You can start by joining Garden State Equality, NJ’s largest LGBT advocacy organization.

9. You don’t need to be an expert to be an ally. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about things like terminology (i.e. why is the term ‘queer’ now acceptable, what word do you use to describe someone’s significant other?), or the ins and outs of a particular issue like marriage equality or second-parent adoption. Most LGBT people will be happy to answer questions, or if you’re uncomfortable, research it on the internet.

8. Come Out Of the Closet. Sometimes straight people are afraid to speak out or get involved because they are worried other people will think they are gay. Tell people you are a straight ally, what you are doing and why. If you’re going to a rally to support marriage equality, attending a pride event, calling your Senator, tell people about it (you can even post it on facebook).

7. Speak up if you hear an offensive joke or comment.  Whether at work, with friends or with family, let people know how you feel about words that are hurtful and oppressive.  When we stand by and say nothing we condone language that is damaging to the community as a whole. PFLAG’s  Guide To Being A Straight Ally has some great tips on how to do this – using humor, facts and making it relatable.

6. Be an advocate in your child’s school.  Does your child’s school include information about LGBT people and same-sex headed families in their curriculum? How do they talk about different kinds of families and relationships in their classrooms? Do they provide sex education for LGBT teens? (No, they don’t). NJ has passed Anti-Bullying legislation that requires all NJ schools to institute programs to combat harassment and anti-bullying. How is your child’s school going to implement this mandate?

5. Recognize that gender oppression is an issue that affects all of us.  Conforming to gender expectations (such as boys play with trucks and girls like dolls) limits all of our authentic self-expression. Let your son paint his toenails if he likes. Let your daughter play the prince and tell that little boy dressed like a fairy that he looks great.

4. Make purposeful choices about where you shop. In 2010, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations can make unlimited contributions to political campaigns, which means that corporations now yield tremendous power in deciding who gets into office and who doesn’t (how scary is that?) Recently, both Target and Urban Outfitters have given large sums to anti-gay candidates, eliciting a boycott from many LGBT people and their allies.

3. Refuse to join organizations that institutionalize homophobia. If you have children, think about what it means to allow them to participate in organizations that purposefully exclude gays like Boy Scouts of America. Think about what is the value system you want them to inherit and how do your choices reflect that. 

2. Talk to the young people in your life. Educate young people about the different kinds of families that exist – two moms, two dads, single parents, adopted kids, biological kids. Let them know that each family is just as valid as the next. Take them to rallies or pride events so they can learn about issues of diversity, justice and activism. Kids love making protest signs!

1. COME TO MAPLEWOOD PRIDE PICNIC!  This celebration is an opportunity to show your support to your LGBT neighbors and friends and to be part of creating the type of community where people can be themselves. And don’t forget, there’s a bouncy house, and everyone – straight or LGBT – loves a bouncy house.

Laura Booker is a queer mom, lgbt activist, therapist and stand-up comic who lives in Maplewood and loves it.