Question: what's the difference between a terrible Christmas song and a terrible Christmas sweater?  

Answer: you can take the sweater off. 

Cut it into mittens, or dog booties, cover it with small pox and give it to a terrorist. But bad Christmas songs? Take them off one station and they pop up on 5 more. Like gremlins you've thrown water on.

Now, there are great holiday tunes (by Nat "King" Cole, The Kinks, Run D.M.C.), but here are 5 positively ghastly songs of the season I never want to hear again.

1) Wonderful Christmastime. Paul McCartney is the musical equivalent of manic-depressive illness. When he's high, he creates soaring, euphoric songs that take you to wonderland. When he's bad, he writes stuff so insipid, so melody-free and lyrically-vapid, he makes you want to go on medication.

This rubbery, synth-drenched bit of silliness made headlines last year at Guantanamo Bay. When they started playing it to prisoners they were interrogating they begged to be water-boarded instead. Ok, I made that up but if it had happened Amnesty International would have understood.

2) Step Into Christmas. Yes, I too love Elton John. His "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters", "Rocket Man" and such. But when he goes astray, he creates stuff as credibility-challenged as his toupees.  

When you play piano as great as E.J., why would you have a song that's all guitar? And when you have a great lyricist like Bernie Taupin, how do you get such lame lines?  No, I can't answer these deep, unsettling questions. But then again, neither could the Dalai Lama!

3) Christmas Canon Rock. Just what the world was waiting for: a mix of Pachelbel's "Canon" and Night Ranger's "Sister Christian." And what better way to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus than with a Hair Metal ballad so shrieky and tasteless, Motley Crue turned it down. And if you've ever read "The Dirt" you know it's the first time the Crue ever turned down anything.

4) Do They Know It's Christmas? Admittedly, a tough call. Its proceeds went for famine relief, which is cool. Then again, upon hearing this tuneless mush-rock, half the world went on a hunger strike. The lyric is also real confusing, stating, "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas." Isn't that a good thing? Considering the African people have no mittens? Or pants? Or is the idea that snow would put that little problem of 'no food' into perspective? I know these aren't hard questions. Still, they involved more thought than went into the song. 

5) Joy to The World. As done by Mannheim Steamroller.  This American group of synthesizer-armed storm troopers have been ruining Christmas since Nixon was in office but this (usually) lovely song may be their absolute worst. I've never been caught in a stampede of rampaging mustangs, but I think this is the musical equivalent. Where you're caught between being afraid you're going to be trampled and die and just as afraid you'll be trampled and won't die. Of course, if that ever happens to you, pray for one thing: that Mannheim Steamroller is not the last thing you hear.

Peter Gerstenzang is a well-known music critic who has written for Rolling Stone and many other publications.