Carpool Candy: Bad News Bearers

I was watching pictures of the devastating earthquake in Indonesia on the “Today” show this week when my nine year old son, Jacob, walked into the room and wanted to know what was going on. Immediately glued to the screen, he relentlessly fired questions at me. We have done this dance before, so I tried to consider each question carefully so he felt heard, while not offering more information than he could handle.

So far, Jacob has been able to separate himself from disturbing news events and handle the information we give him. It’s better to be honest with him as he gets frustrated and ornery when we beat around the bush.

I also see some of my own childhood inquisitiveness in him. I remember eating a TV dinner at home and watching the “The Love Boat” when news came on about the mass suicide of more than 900 people from the Jamestown cult in Guyana. There were pictures of dead bodies and details about how they all died from drinking cyanide-laced Kool-Aid.  I was ten and I was riveted. I don’t remember being frightened but I had a lot of questions.

Turning the TV off and saying, “don’t worry about it,” or “you’re too young to understand,” or ignoring their questions completely, is doing kids a disservice. There can be more fear and confusion in the unknown than an answered query, even if it involves alarming material.

I always try to give my kids answers that are as truthful as possible while allowing them to still feel safe. Sometimes these events prompt serious but enlightening discussions. It’s an opportunity to point out how lucky we are to live in an industrialized country not involved in a civil war.  We are fortunate that for us food is plentiful and we drink clean water, when so many of the world’s children don’t enjoy these luxuries.

When my kids run away from me in the mall or other public place, I often tell them there are some bad people in the world who might want to harm them so I need to always know their whereabouts.  It might sound harsh but my kids know the dangers of kidnapping and what to do if someone approaches them because I know too many terrible stories from my days in the news business.  

I have discussed this with friends and many disagree with my philosophy. Some parents—even my own husband at times—feel kids have enough to worry about so why give them more knowledge that they might not be able to process or may make them anxious and afraid. I understand and respect this argument but I also believe you have to know your kids.

The decision of how much to disclose current events is different for each child. While Jacob is a mature nine and always up in everyone’s business, my 6-year-old, Aden walks around with his head in the clouds when it comes to the world picture. He might ask a question but doesn’t always listen to the answer and moves on quickly to topics that interest him more, like Pokemon and football. Regardless of age, providing him with detailed information may never be necessary. (My 3-year-old is clearly too young to really understand anything he sees on TV.)

Psychologists will say you should offer concise answers and wait for kids to press you for more. They usually will let you know how much they need to know at that time. Each child has a different way of processing information and making sense of the world around him.  My kids are not big worriers so I know I can tell them more without concern that they will feel threatened. Obviously every story is different too so it’s a judgment call each time.

So far, it has worked out. Jacob has had more nightmares from reading Harry Potter and watching Spider-man movies than from anything we have discussed or let him watch. I’ll have to see how it goes with my other two. Maybe I’ll be raising three news junkies just like me.