Health & Wellness: A Calmer Mommy—or Daddy—in Minutes?

I met hypnotherapist Frayda Kafka over a month ago when I interviewed her for a South Orange Patch article. During the interview, she mentioned that hypnosis could be used for many different issues, such as helping someone become a better runner.

  Now, while that idea did intrigue me, I was more drawn to one of my other never-ending quests: becoming a mom who doesn't raise her voice at her children. Could hypnosis help me become a calmer, more patient mother? I scheduled an appointment for the following week to find out.

  I felt giddy with excitement as the appointment date approached. Kafka said that many people are apprehensive about hypnosis since they are certain they could never be hypnotized. I felt none of those fears, especially since I had been hypnotized a few months prior. I did wonder how many sessions I would need. According to Kafka, it depends on the person. Some people only need one session, while others need follow-ups. It depends on the situation and how much the person is ready to make the change.

  At this point, my daughters, who are sweet girls aged 7 and 5, had been home from school for a week and camp wasn't scheduled to begin for another week. It had only been seven days and yet I was already threatening to reach for a drink by 11 a.m. each morning. Kidding, kidding. However, I definitely felt I was at my wit's end trying to keep them entertained and happy. I had to constantly navigate between my 7-year-old asking "Can we watch tv?" for the millionth time every day, and my 5-year-old whining about things like her favorite shirt with the pink hearts that she's worn for two months that now was suddenly "bothering" her.

  When I met with Kafka, she asked me what I wanted out of the session. When I replied, "I don't want to yell anymore. I don't want to feel so frustrated with myself and my children." She pointed out that she asked me what it was that I wanted, not what I didn't want. She said that most people focus on what they don't want rather than what they do want. I told her that I wanted to be calmer and more patient. I wanted to be the type of mother who answered lovingly, "Yes, sweetie?" when her children called for her.

  I found Kafka very easy to talk to. I felt I could tell her anything without being condemned or with the fear that she would call DYFS (Department of Youth and Family Services). She was very motherly, which is not surprising given the fact that she is a mother and a grandmother. In fact, Kafka even gave me childrearing advice. We talked about time outs (for the kids) and time outs for myself (explaining to my children that I needed a few minutes to recover after one of their meltdowns is completely acceptable). The conversation was truly amazing.

   After our discussion, the hypnosis session was ready to begin. Since I was already familiar with hypnosis and open to it, I went "under" very quickly. She asked me about a setting that felt calming to me and I said a beach. She guided me to a state of relaxation and yet I was fully aware of what was going on. Kafka and I (despite being hypnotized, you are still an active participant) came up with a mantra of sorts for me to say or visualize whenever I became stressed. The entire 20-minute hypnosis session was recorded. She later emailed the file so I could listen to it whenever I was on the computer or before bed.

  After the session, I felt relaxed yet energized. I couldn't wait to pick up my children from camp. The minute I picked them up, my 5-year-old immediately started whining, "I'm hungry. I'm tired." I calmly took her backpack and said, "I'll give you a snack the minute we get home." Part of me felt like I was wearing Lee Press On Nails. I knew they were on and I was walking on eggshells. I wanted this to work!

  As the days went on, I surprised myself. I continually reacted to my girls with a sense of ease that I hadn't felt before. Even though I was still annoyed by some of their behavior, I was able to maintain a level of peace that wasn't present before. However, despite that accomplishment, I still wasn't 100% satisfied. I called Kafka to further discuss my feelings.

  I explained to Kafka how I still felt bothered that I was still getting upset when they whined or got on my nerves. When I asked her if my expectations were too high, she agreed that my expectations were "unrealistic." We talked more about my expectations and the conversation helped me shift my perspective. I also realized that not only were my expectations of my children unrealistic, but my expectations of myself were just impossible. It's just not realistic, at least not for me, to be Mary Poppins. If you see me getting frustrated with my children, please don't raise your voice at me.

  Frayda Kafka is currently seeing clients at Bodhi Tree in South Orange.

Do you have ideas for upcoming columns, know a fitness or wellness expert, want to ask a question or put Patch in touch with people who are creating a healthier Maplewood? E-mail Hurtado. Hurtado is an enthusiastic health, wellness and fitness expert with years of experience working out, seeking peace and working for nearly a decade on the business side of publishing as a Beauty Director at magazines such as Mademoiselle and Seventeen.