This fall has been a particularly anxious one for students—and their parents—who are adjusting to college life. The suicide of Tyler Clementi at Rutgers and the shooting death of Seton Hall student Jessica Moore at an off-campus party have put some on edge.

"Going away to college is milestone of independence for students," says Maureen Tillman. "Parents are no longer there to monitor their lives, and freshmen need to find balance with academics, social life, activities and sports, sleep, exercise, food, partying, personal responsibilities."

Tillman, L.C.S.W., is the founder of the Maplewood-based College with Confidence, a psychotherapy service that supports teens, young adults and parents throughout the college experience, and provides seminars, teleconferences and consultations for individuals and organizations about the teen-to-adult transition. Tillman said that students need to start the transition by making both academics and their health "number 1" priorities.

It is also important to remember that, while Clementi's and Moore's experiences are tragic, they are exceptional. Most students, said Tillman, are struggling first with a significant academic transition. Tillman advises them, "Do whatever it takes to get organized and keep on top of the material. This includes meeting professors during office hours, joining study groups, going to the writing center, getting tutoring or academic coaching." Tillman says you shouldn't be afraid to drop a course quickly if you know it is too difficult.

On the health front, if students have been receiving support at home for ADD/HD, learning disabilities or any illness, they will need to self-advocate and consistently follow through with those supports and medication in order to be successful.

Socially, adjustments can also be hard. Tillman recommends being proactive—and patient. "Find your niche socially by getting involved. Be open to meeting a lot of people in the beginning. Push through that loneliness and reach out. It will get better."

"Students need to recognize that finding close friends does not instantly happen. Patience is important," added Tillman.

Also, Tillman said, expect the unexpected. "Lots of random things happen in college—Tyler Clementi could have lived on your hall, your roommate might be selling drugs, you many come down with mono. Know that help is out there and be open to using all the support you can get."

The students talk

After soliciting advice from Tillman, Patch spoke with four recent Columbia High grads to see how they were adjusting to higher education.

Overall, all four students, none of whom were Tillman's clients, seemed to be handling the transition to college life with grace. All agreed that their experience at Columbia had served them well.

Eli Weiss, 18, from Maplewood, is now attending Ithaca College. Weiss said this about the Columbia High experience vis-a-vis college: "The diverse culture, the responsibilities, and all the opportunities it had to offer made the transition into college very easy."

Jackson Klein, who is attending Babson School of Business shared similar sentiments. "Columbia gives kids the opportunity to choose their own classes and basically manage their own schedules. This is very realistic to a college setting and it makes the transition to college very easy."

Matt Nelson, attending Nelson-McGill in Montreal, is appreciative of the fact that Columbia offered Advanced Placement classes. "As most of the classes I'm taking are introductory courses, CHS certainly did prepare me. Since I took AP Calc BC, I'm exempted from Calculus 1, so I'm taking Calculus 2. In my AP class we covered all the material that we're going over in class, so it's basically just review.  The same goes for my chemistry class because I took AP Chemistry in my junior year."

Of course, college has offered some surprises.

Nelson was surprised that it's not necessary to attend lectures in order to pass or fail a class. Klein is surprised how studious his peers are. "I expected to see a lot of people slacking off and not doing their work, but it seems that everyone is here to do well."

Weiss was a bit surprised at how important time management is. "Professors give you a certain amount of time to get a reading or something done and if you don't get it done in time then you fall behind," he said. "It's way worse than it was in high school."

Emily Baer, who grew up in South Orange and is now attending Goucher, revealed her surprise at the amount of free time and freedom she has. "The library is open all hours of the day, so I can do my homework at midnight and no one says anything. I am in complete control of what I do. There is no one telling me when to eat, or to go to class, or to do my homework. That is really weird to get used to," she said.

Tillman pointed out that in today's age of cellphones, emails and texting, some parents expect to have daily contact with their children. This may cause stress for everyone. So far, these students seem to have understanding parents. "My relationship with my parents has stayed strong," said Weiss. "We don't talk everyday but when we do talk our conversations are good. We do try to keep in touch via email or text at least once a day."

Klein's relationship with his parents hasn't changed either. "I still talk to my parents everyday, whether it is through texting or a phone call. Also, they like to come up and watch me play in my soccer games, so I see them at least twice a month." Baer admits that her relationship with her parents has changed somewhat: "I call my parents once every other day. I'll call more if I need something, have a question or am upset. But I feel like we talk less than when I was in high school."

Maintaining friendships, on the other hand, has been a  bit tricky for some. "My friendships have changed from home because I'm not talking to my friends that much. I have been so busy that it is hard to keep up with all your friends," explained Klein. Distance has created some distance between Baer and her friends. "My best friends from home and I try and talk as much as we can, but we all have so much work, and all these new people to meet and hang out with." Weiss has had a different experience. "My friendships have stayed strong. My friends at home will be my friends for the rest of my life and we all know that. I talk to my close friends a lot, but the ones who I wasn't that close with—it's hard to keep in touch," said Weiss.

All four students have faced the same challenge since they arrived at college more than a month ago: time management. "In college, there is no parental influence to tell you to do your work or go to sleep on time. Therefore, you have to be responsible and efficient with your time," Klein said. "I need to make sure I keep up to date with all my readings and work," Nelson added.     

One thing's for sure. College life is helping these freshman grow up and mature. One added benefit may be they are now realizing how much their parents did for them. "I never really had to worry about doing my own laundry, making my bed, doing my own dishes or anything like that," said Baer.

Parents adjust

As hard as it is for parents to let go, they need to foster independence by supporting decisions their students make, says Tillman. "Let students take the lead with the frequency of communication. Be a good listener."

Still, this can be easier said than done—especially in light of recent news stories. "Parents do need to keep their ears and eyes open for signs of depression and excessive partying," added Tillman.

The key is to start making the adjustment long before college: "My message is that parents need to alter their parenting style in high school to encourage life skills which lead to competent independence and confidence," said Tillman. "And seek professional help when they see issues of concern in high school."