Tired of cleaning up your pet parakeet’s poop? Soaking with sweat after a few rounds of Two Square at recess? Maybe you have a big sister who’s forgotten your name since she got that new cell phone. Third graders at Jefferson Elementary School found solutions to these and a hundred other everyday nuisances and presented them at their annual Invention Convention on Tuesday, June 16. 

Invention Convention is a district-wide program in South Orange/Maplewood that dates back to the '70s. Each spring, every third grader is asked to come up with a list of practical problems in his or her life, and then winnow it down to one they’re really itching to solve—on a budget of $10 or less. We’re not talking Intel Science Fair here; think more Rube Goldberg contraptions. Jefferson was the last school in the district to celebrate the popular institution this year, with plenty of curious parents and older schoolmates in attendance.

Chaz Gordon in Ms. Hildebrand’s class came up with Parakeet Pants, a sort of diaper-cum-sandwich baggie that gets tied around his birdie’s behind to capture “the insult” before it messes up Mom’s favorite couch or lampshade. (So far, Gordon has tried his invention on a stuffed parakeet, but not the real thing. Good luck with that, Chaz.) Fed up with getting all sweaty outside, Marie Fagan in Miss Rhodes’s class attached a mini fan and spray bottle onto two stretchy wristbands with Velcro, et voila! The Squeeze ‘N’ Breeze was born. (If it ever breaks 70 degrees out there, she may even get to use it.) And Natalie Kleppe of Ms. Sudol’s class was finally able to get her older sister’s attention using The Snapper, a wooden plank with metal hinges attached to it that, well, makes a really loud noise. (Big sis Sarah wants to rename it The Annoyer.) 

Other homemade brainstorms at the convention included Rebekah Czukoski’s chute for feeding dogs and cats without bending over, Jack Harvey’s subject-specific homework organizer (the teachers loved that one), and Ricky Hankey’s Dual Conversation Helper 5000, which records one conversation on a Dictaphone while transmitting a second conversation through ear pods—perfect for multitaskers and octopi. Memo to all you second graders: Start thinking of problems to solve at next year’s convention!

In the meantime, are there any intellectual property rights attorneys out there? I think we may have some clients for you.